I feel so out of touch with everything.

I don't even know where to begin. I feel like no matter what I do I'm not going to get anywhere and the harder I try the more hopeless everything becomes and the harder I hope, the harder I push forward.

I only want you. You know this. I love you. You know this.
Yet you still hurt me.

She cheated on you and yet you keep her.

I'm dying, toss me away.

I'll survive.
maybe.

I really just want you to open up and grow up and love me like you used to without holding back.
embrace it or tell me the fucking truth.

bye.

what did i do now
what did i do now
what did i do now

I messed up too bad this time.
He's gone and it's all my fault and he's not coming back.

why
why
why am I so stupid?

It hasn't even sunk in yet.
I keep hoping he'll come back
but he's not coming back
but please please please come back
don't leave me here alone

but you're gone
but I want you to come back
more than anything

I am such a fool

I became a monster

a monster...
a stupid stupid monster

and now I messed up one too many times
and he's gone

and it's all my fault
it's all my fault
I ruined everything
all over again

why can't I just give up?
why can't I just let go?
why can't I stop loving?

nothing solves nothing
he couldn't love me back
and i couldn't pour out anymore
and now the bottom fell out
and it's all my fault

oh it's all my fault...
I'm so sorry...
I am so sorry
but you won't take me back

it's all my fault that i cried
it's all my fault that i got upset
it's all my fault that i can't date other people
it's all my fault i can't let go

it's all my fault
i can't even see
can't even feel
just cry
and cry and
cry
and numb
and cry
and red
and cry
not blood no
red face
and eyes
and cry
till it hurts to cry
then cry some more

it's still all my fault
and i know it
and i'm numb to it

I was dancing.

I don't even really know what I was doing. I was losing myself in the music. My mind...my body was in a different place. Someone was approaching me, but I had no idea who it was. A man tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. This guy was not very attractive, but I had noticed that he had been staring at me for some time. He bent his head down and said "Can you smile?" I froze dead and everything went blank. Could I? I nodded and said "yeah" playing it off like nothing had really affected me. He laughed and said "Well I was starting to wonder because your face looked so unhappy and I haven't seen you smile once." I laughed and turned and started dancing again with a fake smile on my face.

I started thinking about it. Woah...what's wrong with me? I feel like a twisted little girl. An adult. I have responsibility and I find myself so stretched and dry of all emotion. I wish there was an off switch. Click. Goodbye everything. I don't want to feel today or at least until you love me again.

What am I doing here? How did I even get here?
I don't know. I need help getting out. I so stupid and profoundly in love with a character who does not love me or at least does not love me the same. I apologize but I can not look at you as a brother so therefore I can not be your friend.

Can I smile?
Can I--smile?
For real?
I don't know the answer to that.
Not the truth at least.
I'm so sorry.